


Secrets

by jstabe



Category: Backstreet Boys, Popslash
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-10
Updated: 2006-08-10
Packaged: 2017-10-29 08:12:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/317683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jstabe/pseuds/jstabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>He’d always known that there was a distance between himself and AJ that wasn’t there with the rest of the guys. Most of that distance was his fault. He’d been afraid to let AJ get too close, afraid AJ would figure out his secret.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Secrets

Kevin unlocked the front door and let himself into the house. He was the first to arrive and the place was silent and still. He smiled; that silence wouldn't last. He was surprised at how much he was looking forward to the impending chaos. Kevin wandered the large house, checking things out. He went upstairs, chose one of the back bedrooms, and began to unpack. He could admit to himself that he was as nervous as he was excited about this week. Meeting on _Oprah_ to surprise AJ and the dinner they'd all had together after was one thing. Planning on spending a week together, just the five of them, was something else.

The weeks following their surprise reunion on _Oprah_ had been good. The guys had all been calling one another, emailing, and then Brian had brought up the one thing they'd all been thinking.

"Let's get together, write some songs. See if we've still got it."

They knew that meeting in a studio would fuel all kinds of gossip they weren't ready for. Howie had been given the task of finding a place that was remote enough that they could work without interruption, yet not so far out that they felt trapped together. From what Kevin had seen so far, Howie had picked the perfect spot. The sound of the front door opening brought Kevin out of his reverie.

"Hey, where the hell's my welcoming committee?"

Kevin laughed as he headed for the stairs. AJ never could make a quiet entrance.

"The welcoming committee is kind of small right now. I'm the only one here."

AJ turned at the sound of Kevin's voice and a smile lit his face.

"You'll do," AJ said, dropping his bags and moving to meet Kevin at the bottom of the stairs.

Kevin let AJ envelope him in a bear hug; surprised, but pleased when AJ didn't immediately pull away. Kevin closed his eyes and let AJ surround him; his scent, the warmth of his body. When AJ finally did release him, Kevin let him go reluctantly. AJ gave him a small smile.

"Been here long?"

Kevin shook his head. "Just long enough to unpack."

AJ laughed. "You always were the first one to do that."

"And Nick's always the last. Then he bitches about how wrinkled his clothes are until Howie irons for him."

"Howie will make someone a good wife some day."

"I'm telling him you said that."

AJ shivered with mock fear. "You want me dead before the vacation even starts?"

Kevin rolled his eyes. They both knew Howie would forgive AJ anything.

"You've been here longer so you can play tour guide," AJ said as he picked up a bag.

"A whole half hour longer," Kevin grumbled good-naturedly.

Kevin helped AJ carry his bags upstairs. AJ chose a bedroom only after trying out all of the beds. Kevin watched, amused, as AJ went from room to room, sitting on each bed and bouncing experimentally.

"I like this one,” AJ finally announced, flopping onto his back and getting comfortable.

Kevin leaned against the door jamb and folded his arms across his chest. "Too bad. This one's mine."

AJ turned his head and looked at Kevin from underneath long, dark lashes. "You could share with me."

Arousal hit Kevin hard and fast. He forced himself to ignore it, to remember that AJ's flirting meant nothing. AJ flirted with everybody; it was as natural to him as breathing. Kevin managed to keep his tone light and teasing.

"Not a chance, you snore. You're gonna have to find your own room."

 

AJ sighed theatrically and got off the bed. "I see how it is. You just don't love me anymore."

Any response Kevin would have made was lost as AJ left the room, his body brushing Kevin's as he went through the door. Such fleeting contact and it still made Kevin's breath catch. Kevin watched AJ disappear into the room next to his and for the first time he wondered how he was going to spend a week with AJ in such close quarters. Thank God the other guys would be around.

***

Kevin was in the kitchen, checking out the well-stocked cabinets when AJ came in.

"It's really starting to come down out there," AJ said as he began rifling through drawers. "Good thing I got here when I did."

Kevin looked out the window, surprised. He hadn't noticed before, but the snow was coming down thick and fast now.

"What time are the other fellas supposed to get in?” AJ asked.

“Brian should be here anytime. Nick and Howie decided to fly in together since they were both in Florida. It’ll be another hour or so before they get here.” Kevin frowned as AJ continued searching through the kitchen drawers. “What are you looking for?”

“Matches. There’s a big ass fireplace in the den.”

“No way. You’re banned from playing with combustible objects, remember?”

“Man, that was years ago and I told you that wasn’t my fault. It was all Nick.”

Kevin laughed. “So you’ve said, a million times. I’m still not buying it. Besides, what do you know about fireplaces?”

“You throw logs in them and light them up. What’s to know?”

Kevin shook his head. “I’ll start the fire. You can find something for dinner. Nick will be starving by the time he gets here.”

Out of all of them, Nick was the pickiest eater and he absolutely hated airline food.

“Fine,” AJ grumbled. “But I’m not doing the cooking. I still burn water.”

Twenty minutes later, AJ wandered back to find Kevin. The fire was blazing nicely and the slight chill AJ had first noticed was beginning to leave the room. Kevin looked up from the flames when AJ walked in.

“You find something to eat?”

“Yeah, but you only need to make enough for us. Brian just called.”

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, but the weather's gotten bad enough that they grounded his plane. He won't be able to fly in until sometime tomorrow."

"Howie and Nick will probably have the same problem."

"I already tried Nick's cell. No answer." AJ grinned wickedly. "He's probably shacked up with Howie."

"AJ!"

AJ grinned at Kevin's shocked tone. "What?" he asked innocently.

"Nick and Howie aren't... you know they don't..."

AJ shrugged. "Well, they should. Howie's wanted Nick for years." His expression turned serious. "Nine years is a long time to want something and never go after it." AJ's eyes met Kevin's and for once Kevin had no idea what AJ was thinking. "Maybe he doesn't really want it after all."

AJ left the room, leaving Kevin with the unsettling feeling that AJ hadn't been talking about Howie at all.

***

When Kevin got to the kitchen, AJ was pulling something from the fridge.

"There are steaks in the freezer, but I figured we'd save those until the rest of the fellas show up,” AJ said, his tone a little too casual.

Kevin felt an odd mix of relief and disappointment that they weren't going to talk about the weird scene from just moments ago.

"What are we having then?"

"There are some chicken breasts in the fridge and stuff for a salad. Throw in some baked potatoes and we'll be set."

"That sounds way too healthy for you."

"You like that crap."

"AJ..."

"What do you want me to do?"

Kevin sighed and turned his attention to dinner. "I'll get the chicken ready. Why don't you wash and wrap a couple of potatoes?"

They worked together quietly, the silence not completely comfortable. Finally, AJ turned on the radio, singing along as they made dinner. Gradually they relaxed and by the time dinner was ready the mood had eased considerably.

"Do you want to eat in here or in front of the fire?" Kevin asked.

"In front of the fire."

They grabbed napkins and drinks and headed for the den. Kevin chose the couch directly in front of the fireplace and AJ settled in next to him. The meal was half over before either of them felt the need to speak. It was AJ who broke the silence.

"How do you think this week is gonna go?"

"Honestly? I really don't know. I've been thinking about it since Brian suggested this trip and I just don't know."

AJ nodded. "At least we all want to do this. It's been a long time since all five of us agreed on anything."

Kevin felt a pang of regret. How had he let it get so bad?

"Don't do that," AJ said.

"Do what?"

"You're sitting there wondering what you could have done to stop this, to keep us from falling apart."

"I'm the oldest. I should have tried harder. Done something."

"Done what? We're adults and the truth is we all dropped the ball."

That was true enough. That last year had been hell, all five of them focused solely on themselves and only going through the motions on tour.

AJ set his empty plate aside and leaned back against the couch. "I don't like how stuff went down, but I am glad we took the time off." He turned his head to look at Kevin. "It's hard spending that much time with people who know you inside and out. It's like you don't have any privacy."

Kevin knew exactly what he meant. Nothing that happened on tour stayed a secret. Eventually someone outside the core group found out and then it was just a matter of time before everyone from the dancers to the people in catering knew about it. And if it were a story involving AJ or Nick, it tended to go farther. The exploits of the two youngest Backstreet Boys made great tabloid headlines.

AJ sighed and stretched. "I think I'm gonna go unpack. When I come back down maybe we can put in a movie."

He grabbed his plate and left the room. Moments later Kevin heard the clink of silverware as AJ loaded the dishwasher. Silence and then he heard AJ's footsteps on the stairs. Kevin waited until the footsteps had faded and then went to clean up the kitchen.

***

Kevin was reading when AJ made his reappearance. AJ paused in the doorway.

"Do you want me to watch TV upstairs?"

Kevin shook his head and set aside his book. "Nah, the book isn't that good anyway."

"I'm gonna grab something to drink. You can pick the movie."

Kevin got up and went to the entertainment center. It took up an entire wall just opposite of the fireplace and Kevin knew Nick was going to love this room when he got there. The number of DVD's to choose from was staggering. Kevin finally settled on one and was putting it in the player when AJ came back with a bowl of popcorn and two cans of Coke.

"What are we watching?"

" _Underworld_."

"Nice. Kate Beckinsale is pretty fucking hot."

Kevin was inclined to agree, but he thought Scott Speedman was sexier. He kept that opinion to himself, though. He knew AJ wouldn't appreciate that thought. He closed the DVD player, grabbed the remote, and went back to his spot on the couch. AJ joined him, sitting closer than he had during dinner so that they could share the popcorn.

As the movie progressed, Kevin found it increasingly difficult to concentrate. AJ's body was pressed close against his side, the heat emanating from him doing considerably more to warm Kevin than the fire had. It got worse when the long flight finally caught up to AJ and he curled up on his side, his head on Kevin's thigh, to watch the rest of the movie. By the time the ending credits rolled, Kevin’s leg was asleep and he was so hard he thought his zipper might be doing permanent injury to a very important body part. He knew he should wake AJ up, but he didn't want to.

Kevin smiled ruefully. He must enjoy torture. It was the only possible explanation for why he was sitting here wishing for something he couldn't have instead of going upstairs and removing himself from temptation. AJ made a soft sound and turned onto his back. Kevin resisted the urge to follow the line of AJ's jaw with his fingertips, fought not to lean down and trace AJ's full bottom lip with his tongue. He bit back a groan and shifted uncomfortably. AJ's eyes opened and he looked at Kevin sleepily.

"What time is it?" AJ asked, stretching.

Kevin looked away from the tantalizing strip of skin that was exposed when AJ's shirt slid up. "It's late. Sorry I woke you up."

"It's okay. Think I'm gonna head to bed."

"Yeah, me too. It's been a long day."

Kevin slid out from underneath AJ. Putting distance between them seemed to be the smart thing to do. Kevin walked over to the fireplace. The fire had mostly died out while they'd watched the movie, but Kevin separated the logs and closed the glass doors firmly so it would go out completely. He stood and placed the poker back in its holder and turned to find AJ watching him.

"You didn't make it too far."

AJ yawned. "I'm too tired to move."

"You're gonna have to unless you want to sleep on the couch. I'm not carrying you.”

“Jerk,” AJ groused.

Shaking his head, Kevin walked over to the couch. He held out a hand and AJ took it, letting Kevin pull him off the couch. Kevin turned to leave the room and felt AJ’s arms circle his waist. He tensed.

“You don’t have to carry me, but you can at least drag me up the stairs,” AJ mumbled against his back.

Kevin sighed and headed for the stairs, AJ shuffling along behind him. He wondered why AJ felt the need to torment him. Not that AJ knew he was doing it. They did stuff like this all the time. Well, maybe not AJ. He wasn’t as touchy-feely as the rest of them were. Especially with Kevin. He was more inclined to do that stuff with Brian.

“What was that about?” AJ asked.

“What was what?”

“You just growled.”

"Why the hell would I do that?" Kevin asked, embarrassed.

“I have no clue.” A beat of silence and then AJ said, “It was kinda sexy.”

Kevin had no idea what to say to that so he kept his mouth shut and kept walking. They reached AJ’s room and Kevin flicked on the light. AJ let go of Kevin and crossed the room, shedding clothes as he went. He crawled into bed stark naked and Kevin wanted nothing more than to crawl in there with him. He shook off the thought and turned to leave.

“No good night kiss?”

Kevin froze with his hand on the light switch. His voice was unsteady when he spoke. “Maybe tomorrow.”

“I’m holding you to that,” AJ said and burrowed deeper under the covers.

Kevin turned off the light and left the room, quietly closing the door behind him. He went to his own room and got ready for bed, trying very hard not to think about the fact that AJ was sleeping naked in the room right next to his.

***

Hours later, Kevin was still tossing and turning. His mind refused to shut down, insisting on replaying AJ's every action, every word. Not to mention the sight of AJ naked, which was something Kevin hadn't seen in years and was even better than he remembered. Finally, he gave up and got out of bed. He dressed in pajama bottoms and a long sleeved T-shirt. Remembering that the main floor was mostly uncarpeted he pulled on a pair of socks and went downstairs. He thought about making a pot of coffee, but since he hoped to sleep at some point, he settled for grabbing a bottle of juice from the fridge. He left the kitchen and moved toward the back of the house, bypassing the den and heading for the music room he’d found earlier. Howie had outdone himself when he’d found this place. Kevin could have happily spent months in the house, not just a week.

Kevin turned on the light and walked over to the piano. It was smaller than the one he had at home, but it would do. Kevin set his juice on the floor beside the piano and sat down on the bench. He played scales for awhile then a few pieces from _Chicago_. He took a break, searching the room for paper and a pen while he drank his juice. He sat back down and went to work on a song he’d been playing with off and on for years. He began to play, pausing every once in awhile to make notes. He wasn't sure how long he'd been at it when he got the weird feeling he was being watched. He stopped playing and turned to find AJ leaning against the door jamb. He was wearing baggy sweatpants and an oversized T-shirt, his feet bare, and his hair rumpled from sleep. Kevin wanted to take him back to bed and keep him there. He stomped ruthlessly on that thought. When he spoke, his voice revealed none of what he was thinking.

"Looks like I woke you up again."

"Couldn't sleep. I heard you playing so I came down. What was that song? It sounds familiar."

"Just something I've been playing with. I finally decided to put some lyrics together. It's... it's for my dad."

AJ walked to Kevin and straddled the piano bench. He put his arms around Kevin's waist and rested his chin on Kevin's shoulder.

"Play it again," AJ said.

Kevin nodded and began to play.

"Sing it for me?"

Kevin stopped playing. "I've only got a little of the beginning and the refrain."

"Please?"

Kevin began to play again and this time his deep bass accompanied the melody.

 _The things we did, the things we said  
Keep coming back to me and make me smile again  
You showed me how to face the truth  
Everything that's good in me I owe to you_

Nothing but the piano for a few beats and then Kevin’s voice joined in again.

 _Never gone, never far  
In my heart is where you are  
Always close, everyday  
Every step along the way  
Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye  
I know you will be forever in my life (yeah)  
Never gone_

Kevin’s voice trailed off and his hands stilled on the keys. AJ tightened his hold, knowing that even after all these years this was a difficult topic for Kevin. He kissed Kevin’s jaw.

“I love it.”

Kevin gave him a soft smile. “Thanks.”

Wanting to lighten the mood AJ said, “Play something else. Something fun.”

Grateful for the distraction, Kevin thought for a minute then launched into _Great Balls of Fire_. AJ groaned and buried his face in Kevin’s shoulder.

“Man, I’d forgotten all about this song. How many times did we have to watch that movie?”

“It’s a great movie,” Kevin said defensively.

AJ patted Kevin’s back soothingly. “Sure it is, but after the fourteenth or fifteenth time even Tom Cruise loses his appeal.”

“Then why did you keep watching it with me?”

AJ shrugged nonchalantly, but Kevin could have sworn there was the faintest pink tinge to his cheeks. “You like it.” He moved closer to Kevin and put his head back on Kevin’s shoulder. “You’re not playing.”

Kevin gave in and began playing again. As always, the music pulled him in, soothed him, and he moved from piece to piece, playing whatever appealed to him at the moment. AJ closed his eyes, content to sit and listen, no longer making requests. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been drifting when he heard the familiar sound of _Twinkle Twinkle Little Star_. He raised his head and looked at Kevin. Kevin shrugged.

“It’s 4:00 am. I can't remember anything more complex right now.”

AJ smiled. "Bed, for real this time.”

AJ's eyes were locked with his and Kevin wanted to believe it was invitation he saw in AJ's eyes. Without thinking, he raised a hand and brushed his fingers along AJ's cheekbone. AJ turned his head into the touch. AJ was right there, so close that all Kevin had to do was lean in mere inches and they’d be kissing. He wanted to do that so badly he ached. Kevin let his hand drop.

"You go ahead. I'm going to make sure all the doors are locked."

There was a flicker of something in AJ's eyes and then he sighed and stood up.

"Night, Kev."

"Good night."

Kevin watched AJ leave and then he tugged the cover down over the piano keys and stood up. He wandered through the downstairs, checking doors and windows, before heading upstairs himself. He paused briefly, staring at the closed door to AJ's room before continuing on to his own.

***

The next morning Kevin wasn't in the best of moods. He hadn't slept well and the strangeness with AJ yesterday had him off balance. He was confused, unsure and he hated feeling that way. As a result, he was grouchy and uncommunicative. AJ didn't seem phased by Kevin's prickliness. He forced Kevin to make breakfast which he insisted they eat together at the kitchen table. He didn't try to engage Kevin in conversation; he just left Kevin to his newspaper while he read a magazine.

After breakfast, AJ helped Kevin clean the kitchen before disappearing upstairs. Kevin breathed a sigh of relief and went to the music room. Playing always calmed him down and he needed that. His sense of relief proved to be premature when AJ joined him a few minutes later. AJ didn't say anything, though, just curled up in one of the recliners with a new magazine. He seemed perfectly content to read and listen to Kevin play. Kevin decided to ignore him and just concentrate on getting some work done.

By lunchtime Kevin hadn't gotten a thing accomplished and he blamed AJ for it. He knew it was irrational; AJ hadn't done anything except read quietly, but Kevin was acutely aware of every move AJ made. Each time AJ shifted in the chair or turned a page it seemed startlingly loud to Kevin.

Lunch was as strained as breakfast had been. AJ made sandwiches that they ate in front of the TV. Kevin deliberately turned up the volume louder than it needed to be, forestalling any attempt at conversation. AJ let it go, immersing himself in the movie Kevin had found. He gave Kevin the silence the other man so obviously wanted, but not the space, choosing to sit with Kevin on the couch, much closer than was strictly necessary given the roominess of that particular piece of furniture. He was close enough that his body brushed against Kevin's whenever he moved, close enough that Kevin could smell the soft scent of AJ's cologne with every breath he took.

Hoping to get some breathing room, Kevin took his empty plate to the kitchen and began to clean up. Minutes later AJ appeared. He helped Kevin load the dishwasher and wipe down the counters. Kevin, resigned to having a shadow, started the dishwasher and went back to watch the end of the movie. He didn't even bat an eye when AJ curled up next to him and rested against his side.

Kevin tried to focus on the movie, but something was niggling at the back of his mind. There was something about this that was bothering him, something other than AJ's proximity. This whole thing felt too... domestic. Kevin froze, playing that thought over again. Being with AJ like this fixing meals, doing household chores, relaxing together in front of the TV, it all felt very homey. He had the sudden thought that this was what it could be like if he and AJ lived together.

Kevin shot off the couch so fast he nearly knocked AJ to the floor. AJ raised a brow, his dark eyes questioning.

"Brian should be here soon. And it stopped snowing. I should, uh, shovel the sidewalk. Outside. In the cold."

AJ watched, bemused, as Kevin left the room. He'd never seen Kevin tongue-tied quite like that before. He grinned and settled more comfortably on the couch. It wouldn't be long now.

***

Kevin stood on the porch and surveyed his handiwork. The steps were clear of snow as was the walkway leading to the porch. He'd even shoveled the driveway, but the physical labor hadn't helped. His mind had still been free to think thoughts he didn't want to be thinking. His mood had gotten steadily worse as he'd worked. What the hell was AJ up to? He seemed to have taken on Nick's habit of hanging on whichever one of the guys was available. Nick had never really had any concept of personal space and now AJ didn't seem to either.

Kevin finally went back into the house, more tense than when he'd gone outside. He took off his gloves and laid them out to dry before shrugging out of his jacket and hanging it up. He headed for the kitchen, intending to make some coffee and warm up. He found AJ already there, sitting on the counter and talking on his cell phone with a fresh pot of coffee next to him. Scowling, Kevin went to the counter and pored himself a cup.

"He's right here. He was out shoveling snow. Yeah, we got quite a bit here."

Kevin leaned against the counter, unashamedly eavesdropping. There was silence as AJ listened to whoever was on the other end.

"No, not yet. I will. I will! Don't push me, D."

More silence and then AJ started laughing.

"Tell Nick to mind his own business. As for you, I don't see you following your own advice. Oh you did not, Nick did. I will, Howie, I promise. Yeah, before you get here. Yes. I... yes... Howard, stop giving me orders and go play with your boyfriend." AJ chuckled. "I know. I love you too. See ya when you get here."

AJ closed his phone and hopped off the counter, still grinning. Kevin set his coffee cup aside.

"What time are they getting in?"

AJ raised a brow at Kevin's tone, but answered the question.

"First thing in the morning. Brian's plane is getting in about a half hour before Howie and Nick's so he's just gonna wait so they can drive here together."

Kevin groaned. Another night alone with AJ. Great.

"Howie sounded awfully sappy on the phone. I don't think I've ever heard him sound like that." AJ smiled. "It was good to hear."

Kevin frowned. "You don't seem very upset about this."

"Why would I be upset?"

"You don't have a problem with Nick and Howie being together?"

"Hell no. I think it's great. I've been telling Howie to go after Nick for years."

"You don't mind that Nick and Howie are gay and are starting a relationship?"

AJ was confused. "I just told you that I didn't. I love them. I'm glad they're happy. Kevin, why are you asking such weird questions?"

Kevin felt like he'd been punched. He refused to acknowledge the hurt, choosing instead to focus on his anger.

"You love them and that's why you don't have a problem with them being gay."

"Well yeah. That and the fact that I..."

Kevin cut him off. "What did I ever do to you that I didn't deserve the same courtesy? Because you sure as hell had a problem with me when I told you guys that I was bi."

AJ was stunned. "What makes you think I had a problem with that?"

"Oh, I don't know," Kevin said bitterly. "Maybe because you stopped touching me. It was months before you'd hug me again and even longer than that before they lasted longer than a couple of seconds. At venues you wouldn't shower if I was the only one in there. What did you think I was going to do to you?" Kevin backed away from AJ, shoving his hands in his pockets so AJ couldn't see them shaking. "I got over being hurt by that. I understood, I did. It was a big thing and you were young and maybe I should've waited to tell you and Nick, but I didn't want to lie. I have to lie to almost everyone else; I shouldn't have to do it with the four of you. I thought you'd get over it. That once the shock wore off, you'd be okay with it and things would go back to the way they were. I was wrong. And then there was Boston."

"Boston? What does what happened that morning in Boston have to do with this?"

"Not that morning, the night before." At AJ's blank look, Kevin smiled, but there was no humor in it. "You don't remember, do you?"

AJ frowned, thinking. That morning was crystal clear despite the raging hangover he'd had. Getting himself wasted enough to have a hangover that bad should have been memorable, but it wasn't.

"You'd been drinking. You came back to the hotel looking for Nick. You wanted him to go out with you. I wanted you to stay in."

Kevin's voice was low and deliberate and suddenly AJ didn't want to know.

"We argued, not that that was unusual. You got angry. You, uh, called me something and left."

AJ frowned. Called him something? What could he have called Kevin that would have put that look on Kevin's face? AJ concentrated, trying to call up something, anything that would jog his memory. When the memory finally surfaced, it was with a clarity that was shocking.

 _"We've got an early morning tomorrow. Why do you need to go back out?"_

 _"Because I'm not old and boring like you. Besides, tomorrow is supposed to be our day off."_

 _"We all agreed to do this, AJ."_

 _"I'll be there, damn it, but I'm going out tonight. Stop trying to run my life!”_

 _“Someone needs to. You’re doing a shit job of it these days.”_

 _“Fuck you! Who the hell asked you anyway? I sure as fuck didn’t so stop riding my ass. Come to think of it, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Fucking faggot. Real men don’t take it up the ass, Richardson, so get off mine.”_

The color drained from AJ's face and his stomach rolled sickeningly. Kevin spoke before AJ could even begin to think of something to say.

“I didn’t really understand how you felt, but I knew there wasn’t much I could do about it. There are a lot of people in this world that feel that way and I knew the risk when I came out to you guys.”

The pain in Kevin's voice was palpable and AJ ached to do something to ease it. Guilt at being the cause of that pain kept him still.

“When you got back from rehab, you never said anything about it, but you never called me that again. Things weren’t as good between us as they were before I’d told you guys, but they were better than they had been. I learned to live with it. What else could I do? Now I find out that you don’t have a problem with my sexuality at all. For whatever reason you have a problem with **me** and I can’t fucking believe that I never knew that before.”

If possible, AJ went even paler. “Kevin, it’s not like that at all.”

Kevin shook his head. “You know what, I really don’t want to talk about this anymore. It can’t be fixed and I don’t… just let it go.” Kevin pulled his hand out of his pocket and ran it through his hair. AJ had never heard him sound so resigned. “I didn’t sleep last night. I’m going to go lie down. I'll see you in the morning.”

Kevin turned to leave and AJ reached out a hand to stop him.

“Don’t. Please.”

Kevin left the kitchen and this time AJ let him go. He sank down to the floor and leaned his head back against the cupboards. He didn’t know how long he sat there before he fumbled for his phone.

“Hey mom, it’s me. I need to talk to you. Things are really fucked up and I have no idea what to do now.”

***

Kevin lay on his back, staring at the ceiling and trying to ignore the throbbing in his temples. He’d always known that there was a distance between himself and AJ that wasn’t there with the rest of the guys. Most of that distance was his fault. He’d been afraid to let AJ get too close, afraid AJ would figure out his secret. Kevin felt a rush of pain. In the end, it hadn’t mattered. He’d been worried about AJ finding out about his feelings and being disgusted by them when AJ wouldn’t have been sickened at all. He just wouldn’t have cared.

***

Kevin jerked awake, surprised that he’d fallen asleep at all. It was completely dark outside and he wasn’t sure exactly what had woken him up in the first place until the dipping of the bed made him realize he wasn't alone. Before he knew what was happening, AJ was kneeling on all fours over him and their noses were practically touching.

“What the hell are you doing, AJ?”

“Talking to you. You had your say in the kitchen and now it’s my turn.”

“And we’re talking in my bed exactly why?”

“Because this is where I happened to find you when I went looking.”

“We can fix that. Let me up and we’ll talk downstairs.”

“No, I’m good here.”

“I could move you.”

“You could," AJ agreed.

Kevin glared at him. AJ met his eyes and waited. Finally the tension in Kevin’s body eased a little.

“Say what you came in here to say and then get out.”

AJ moved back enough that Kevin could sit up. Kevin leaned against the headboard and AJ settled himself comfortably on Kevin’s thighs. Kevin sighed and gave up on ever making any sense out of the situation.

“I’m so fucking sorry, Kevin. I swear that I never knew that you thought I was homophobic or whatever the hell you thought I was. If I had, I would have said something. I wouldn’t have hurt you like that.”

He held out a piece of paper and Kevin took it. Kevin reached out and turned on the small lamp on the bedside table. The paper turned out to be a photograph of the two of them. It was creased, well-worn, as if AJ looked at it often.

“Do you remember when this picture was taken?” AJ asked.

“Sort of. It was a photo shoot, but I don’t remember which one. We were hanging out while the photographer got individual shots. Brian was horsing around and he took that picture of us. Aje, why do you carry that around with you?”

“Because that’s the last time I can remember everything being normal between us. I don’t know when it started, don’t know when everything changed, I just know that it did. Back then it was always Bri and Nick and me and Howie with you keeping an eye on all of us. Then I turned around one day and everything had changed. I wanted to be around you all of the time. For a long time I thought it was just hero worship or whatever the fuck they call it. I know Nick looked up to you because you were the oldest and that had to be why I was watching you. Had to be.

I loved to watch you; the way you moved, the way you danced, the way you could get lost in the music when you let yourself. I don’t think it really hit me until I realized that I was noticing how good you smelled or how hot you looked in tight jeans.”

Kevin’s incredulity must have shown on his face because AJ smiled wryly.

“Twenty fucking years old and suddenly I’m questioning everything I knew about myself. There were girls everywhere and some of them I slept with and one of them I loved, but suddenly none of them could make me feel that rush the way that being around you did.

I probably would have figured it out sooner if you’d been a girl. All the signs were there, but I never put them together. You’re a guy and one of my best friends and it just wasn’t possible that I wanted you. It couldn’t be possible.” AJ ran a shaky hand through his hair. “That night, after the photo shoot, we all went out to a club. I got drunk, big surprise, and I ended up in a back room with a guy that looked a hell of a lot like you. He kissed me and got his hand down my pants and I came harder than I ever have and I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming your name.

After that night, it was hard to be around you. I was afraid that you’d find out how I felt and I didn't want that because I knew you didn’t feel the same way. When you told us you were bisexual, I wanted to kill you because you could want guys, could want me, but you didn’t. I hated you for that. Then I got over hating you and went right back to panting after you. In the kitchen, when you were talking about how I stopped touching you? Kev, that wasn’t because I was disgusted. It was because I was afraid that if I touched you, I wouldn’t stop. Knowing you liked guys made it so much harder for me to stay away from you.”

He paused again and for the first time his eyes slid away from Kevin’s.

“I did a lot of things when I was drinking that I can’t ever make up for. Saying what I did to you has to be one of the worst and I didn’t even fucking remember it.” He looked up and his eyes were full of pain and shame. “How can you say something like that to someone you love and not even fucking remember it?”

Kevin wanted to tell AJ that it was okay, but they both knew that it wasn't. One simple word, one Kevin had heard used in relation to himself and his band mates numerous times, but being called that by someone he considered family had cut deep.

“One thing I learned in rehab was that I couldn’t undo any of the bad shit that I’d done. Apologies couldn't fix what I had broken, not completely. I had to work on rebuilding what I had trashed by regaining everyone’s trust.

Having that time alone made me realize something else. I was trashing our friendship because I was pissed that you didn't want more. I finally decided that if I couldn’t have you then I needed to get over it. If your friendship was all you were offering, I’d take it and be damn glad that I had it. Things got better between us when I got back from rehab because I finally realized that I’d rather have you in my life as a friend than not have you in my life at all.”

There were so many emotions roiling through Kevin that he didn't even know how to begin to sort through them. There was the relief of knowing that AJ wasn't disgusted by him and never had been. There was regret at knowing that AJ had been hurting and he hadn't known and couldn't help. Mostly there was sorrow at the missed opportunity. AJ had wanted him, but had gotten over him and moved on. He tried to be grateful that at least now maybe they could go back to being the kind of friends they had been in the very beginning.

“Hey, no spacing out. I'm not done yet," AJ said.

"You're not?"

"No, now it’s time for the big stuff."

“That wasn’t the big stuff?”

“Well, yeah, it was, but this is bigger.”

“Bigger?"

“You’ll like this.”

"I doubt it." Kevin sighed. “Fine, go for it.”

“That whole getting over you thing? It didn’t work.”

“It what?”

“Didn’t work. I still want you."

AJ waited for some sort of response, but got only silence.

"Kev? Don't you want to say something?"

"I'm thinking."

"Uh oh. Is this gonna take awhile?”

Kevin rolled his eyes. "Have I ever told you how annoying you are?"

"Repeatedly and in words that aren't fit for polite company."

Kevin gave him a small smile. "You're going so fast. I can't keep up with you."

"We've been dancing around this for nine years and you think that's fast? I'm going to be in a nursing home before you ask me on our first date."

"Forget annoying. You're down right obnoxious."

AJ's gaze dropped to Kevin's mouth. "You're gorgeous."

Kevin felt a low stirring of arousal at the appreciation in AJ's voice. "You don't fight fair."

"You're too important. I'll fight as dirty as I have to to finally get a shot at this." AJ leaned back and his expression was serious.

More silence and AJ was beginning to get the sinking feeling that he'd read the signs wrong. He started to move off of Kevin only to find himself grabbed, rolled, and pinned underneath Kevin. He raised an eyebrow.

"You treat all your potential lovers to the caveman routine?"

Heat flashed in Kevin's green eyes and AJ felt an answering flare in his own body.

"Lovers, huh? That's what you want to be? My lover."

AJ shivered at the husky tone of Kevin's voice. "Fuck yes. Kind of thought I made that clear."

"Is that all you want?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want a fling or an affair or a fuck or whatever you want to call it. I love you, Alex."

AJ closed his eyes against the sudden rush of emotion. He opened them and gave Kevin a shaky smile. "Talk about not fighting fair."

"We’ve lost years by not being honest. Do you really want to do that now?”

Kevin waited, outwardly calm, as he let AJ process what he'd said.

"You love me?" AJ asked.

The slight hesitation over the 'L' word would have gone unnoticed by anyone that didn't know AJ well. Kevin smiled softly.

"Yes."

"And you want me?"

"God yes."

AJ smiled at that.

"You do know that we'll probably drive each other nuts after a month, right?" AJ asked.

"A month? I was thinking a week, week and a half tops."

"We'll just have to have as much sex as we can until then, huh? We'd better get started. Kiss me."

Kevin smiled ruefully. "There you go, moving at warp speed again. Up until a few hours ago, I was sure you were repulsed by the fact that I have sex with men. Now you're here, in my bed, telling me that you want me. I can’t move that fast."

AJ grinned at him. "I'm here, in your bed. Told you I liked this bed."

Kevin groaned in frustration. "Is that the only part you heard?"

"No, but it's the most important part.”

Kevin sighed and would have left the bed, but AJ flung a leg around Kevin’s waist, holding him still.

“I’ve explained everything the best I can. That’s more talking than I’ve done since I first started rehab. I hate talking about shit. I’m no good at it. I know you want to talk this to death, but can’t it wait? I’m all talked out and you’re here and I can finally touch you the way I want to. Please, Kevin, let it go for now.”

Kevin wanted to protest, but AJ chose that moment to lick his lips. Kevin’s gaze dropped to his mouth and AJ grinned.

“So that’s why Nick does it.”

“Do we have to talk about Nick right now?”

“Not if you shut me up.”

Kevin gave in. There was nothing else he could do. He’d waited years for this chance. The first touch of their mouths was hesitant, a barely there brush until Kevin traced AJ's bottom lip with his tongue. AJ groaned and let Kevin in. The kiss grew hotter, hungrier as Kevin explored AJ's mouth, learned AJ's taste. AJ kissed him back as his hands roamed Kevin's body, slipping down under the tangled blankets and sliding over Kevin's ass. He groaned and broke the kiss.

"Holy shit, you’re naked under there."

"I always sleep naked." Kevin nipped AJ's jaw.

“It’s a good thing I didn’t know that when I came in here. I would have said to hell with talking and just jumped you.”

AJ traced Kevin’s spine with his fingertips. Miles of naked skin and he couldn’t see any of it. He rolled them back over and succeeded in only getting them more tangled. Frustrated, he yanked the blankets away and tossed them on the floor. His gaze wandered Kevin’s body and Kevin saw nothing but admiration in the look.

AJ reached out and began to learn Kevin’s body by touch alone; he trailed his fingers along the inside of Kevin’s thigh before moving up to rub the skin of Kevin’s hip, tracing the ink that decorated Kevin’s pelvic bone and smiling when Kevin squirmed at the tickling sensation. He trailed his fingertips across Kevin's belly and down to brush across Kevin's semi-erect cock. Ignoring the slight tensing of Kevin's body, AJ wrapped his hand around Kevin's cock and slowly began to move his hand, letting his fingers learn Kevin's shape. He watched as Kevin's cock lengthened to full hardness and when he lifted his head to look at Kevin his dark eyes were full of want. In that moment Kevin realized AJ was right. All the talking in the world couldn’t have accomplished nearly as much as seeing that look in AJ's eyes and knowing he was the reason it was there. He took a steadying breath and reached out to still AJ's hand. AJ gave him a quizzical look.

"You should be naked too," Kevin said.

AJ grinned. "I should be. You want to help?"

Kevin's answer was to roll them back over so AJ was sprawled out on his back. AJ spread his thighs and tugged Kevin in to kneel between them. Kevin slid his hands under AJ's shirt, his fingers teasing over warm skin and hard muscle. He pushed AJ's shirt up so he could see what he was feeling under his hands. He traced the tattoo on AJ's belly.

"I've wanted to do this ever since you got this damn tattoo," Kevin said.

AJ frowned. Touching him was pretty tame compared to what AJ wanted Kevin to do to him. Heat, sudden and shocking, had him arching up as Kevin's tongue traced the lines of his tattoo before delving into his belly button.

"That's more like it. Feel free to keep doing that," AJ gasped.

Kevin chuckled and the warmth of his breath ghosting over damp skin made AJ shiver. AJ moaned softly as Kevin licked the ridges of his abdomen. Kevin glanced up.

"I have fantasies about your abs too."

"Really?” AJ asked, intrigued. “Like what?"

"I thought you didn't want to talk anymore. I'll show you later."

AJ didn't see a reason to argue with that especially since Kevin had started pushing his shirt up and seemed to think it was necessary to taste each inch of skin as it was revealed. When Kevin's mouth latched onto a nipple and began to suck gently, AJ groaned and pulled his T-shirt the rest of the way off, baring his torso for Kevin's mouth and hands. Kevin made a low sound of satisfaction and switched his attention to AJ's other nipple. AJ arched into the touch as one hand moved to the back of Kevin's neck.

"I wish your hair was long again."

Kevin licked over AJ's nipple one last time before moving up and capturing AJ's mouth in a heated kiss.

"I could grow it out again," Kevin murmured against AJ's lips.

"You'd do that for me?"

"Maybe."

AJ's laugh was cut off as Kevin shifted on top of him, their hips coming together in a tighter fit. He groaned.

"That would have felt a hell of a lot better if you had finished getting me naked," AJ said.

"Tell me about it. Your zipper is killing my dick."

"Yeah, well, it ain't doing much for mine either."

Kevin lifted slightly and reached between them. He popped the button on AJ's jeans and lowered the zipper. He slid his hand inside and gently stroked AJ's cock.

"Still... still not naked," AJ managed to gasp.

Kevin chuckled and moved down to kneel by AJ's hip. He tugged AJ's jeans down and tossed them aside. He leaned in and licked a stripe from the base of AJ’s cock to the tip. He swirled his tongue over the head, savoring AJ’s taste. He bent his head and took AJ in, sucking gently. AJ shifted restlessly on the bed, his fists tangling in the sheets as he fought not to grab Kevin. He finally caved, reaching for Kevin’s shoulder and tugging insistently. Kevin raised his head.

“Something wrong?”

AJ shook his head. “No, but I want you up here.”

He tugged again and Kevin gave in, moving to lie on top of AJ.

“I can’t believe you don’t want me to blow you.”

“Me either. I should be drug out into the street and shot, but you feel so fucking good. I want you right here.”

Kevin shifted, fitting his longer body more comfortably on AJ’s. He bent his head and kissed AJ. Kevin rolled his hips and they both groaned at the erotic sensation of their cocks sliding together. AJ rocked up and soon they were moving together, slow and easy as they learned the feel of one another's bodies. AJ pulled Kevin's head down and kissed him, his tongue licking into Kevin's mouth. The kiss grew more and more desperate as their hips moved faster. Finally, AJ tore his mouth from Kevin's, a strangled moan escaping as he came. He was dimly aware of an answering moan from Kevin and then warmth on his belly. Panting lightly, he slowly relaxed under Kevin, his body becoming soft and pliant. His hands wandered Kevin's back as he turned his head and kissed Kevin. They kissed slowly, the earlier urgency gone for the moment. Kevin placed a last kiss to the corner of AJ's mouth then moved to lie beside him. AJ stretched languorously. He reached down to scratch his belly and paused, grimacing.

"Gross. Next time we're coming on you." He got out of bed and headed for the bathroom.

Kevin chuckled. "Next time I promise to lick you clean."

"In that case, you can come on me as often as you want," AJ said over his shoulder.

Grinning, Kevin stretched out on his back. He closed his eyes, feeling more peaceful than he had in days. He was drifting off when he felt AJ climb back onto the bed. Something soft and warm landed on his stomach and he opened his eyes, watching as AJ ran a wet cloth over his skin. AJ's hand wandered lower, rubbing over his cock. He spread his thighs helpfully, making AJ laugh.

"Slut," AJ teased.

"Yep," Kevin agreed, unoffended.

AJ tossed the washcloth on the floor then crawled up the bed to kiss Kevin.

"You're half asleep. We'll play later."

Kevin wanted to protest, but he was exhausted. The sleepless nights combined with the emotional roller coaster he'd been on that day were taking their toll.

"Okay." He paused, unsure. "You're staying, right? Here with me."

AJ rolled his eyes. "That's a stupid question." He retrieved the blankets from the floor and covered them both then reached over to turn out the light. "I don't cuddle so keep your ass on your own side of the bed."

Kevin smiled sleepily. "Got it."

He closed his eyes and in minutes his breathing was deep and even. AJ watched him, afraid to believe this was real. He reached out and traced one perfect cheekbone with the pad of his thumb. Kevin made a soft sound and rolled onto his side, facing away from AJ. AJ hesitated briefly then moved closer, molding his body to Kevin's.

"Kev?" No sound except Kevin's even breathing. "I love you too."

He kissed the nape of Kevin's neck then wrapped his arm around Kevin's waist. Within minutes, he was fast asleep.

***

AJ leaned against the kitchen table, sipping his coffee and occasionally glancing out the window, waiting for Brian's rented SUV to make an appearance. Kevin was puttering around the kitchen, putting the finishing touches on a huge breakfast. AJ watched him with a smile.

He'd woken that morning wrapped around Kevin and known instantly that it was a feeling he could get used to very quickly. He'd waited for the fear to kick in, the way it always had in the past when a lover had gotten too close. Instead of fear, he'd felt a sense of belonging that he'd never experienced before. He'd celebrated by waking Kevin with a bone melting blow job. They had shared a shower where Kevin had returned the favor with such intensity that AJ was still waiting for the feeling to return to his lower extremities. AJ couldn't remember having a better morning.

Kevin finished mixing a bowl of pancake batter. He covered the bowl and put it in the fridge. As he closed the refrigerator door, he caught AJ watching him and smiled. He crossed the room and leaned down to kiss AJ. The sound of an approaching car intruded. AJ groaned.

"Is it too late to tell them not come?"

"Afraid so."

“Damn. I want you all to myself.”

Desire flashed in green eyes. Kevin traced AJ’s bottom lip with his thumb. “Come home with me. After this week is over, come home with me. I want some time alone with you.”

AJ’s ‘yes’ was lost as Kevin kissed him again. He hadn’t intended it to be anything more than a last kiss before madness descended, but AJ had other plans. He deepened the kiss as he backed toward the table. One hand dropped to Kevin’s fly and began massaging Kevin’s cock. Kevin moaned and pressed closer to AJ. AJ leaned up until he was practically sitting on the kitchen table. The extra height was enough that they could press their hips together. Kevin put one hand on the kitchen table for balance and began to slowly rock his hips against AJ’s.

“Well that explains why no one met us at the door.”

Brian’s voice penetrated the lust induced fog, causing AJ and Kevin to groan in disappointment.

“I’ll tell you one thing,” Brian continued. “I’m not eating at that table.”

“They’re fully clothed,” Howie said, coming up behind Brian and checking out the show.

“Who knows what kinky things they were up to last night,” Brian said to Howie.

“Kinky? Yeah right. This is Kevin we’re talking about,” Nick replied.

Kevin leaned his forehead against AJ’s. “Think there’s a hotel nearby? One that won’t allow us to bring the comedians.”

AJ laughed and kissed Kevin before hopping off the table. He headed toward Brian and Howie.

“D! Rok! Give me some love.”

“Looks like you were getting more than enough from where I was standing,” Brian teased as he pulled AJ into a bear hug.

Kevin leaned against the table and ran a hand through his hair. He looked up to see Nick staring at him, a devilish grin on his face. He followed Nick’s gaze to the fly of his jeans which weren’t doing much to conceal his arousal. When Kevin glanced back up, Nick clapped a hand over his eyes.

“Ahh! My eyes, my eyes. I’m scarred for life. I may be warped.”

“You were warped before I met you,” Kevin retorted.

“I’m going to need therapy. I may have to bleach my eyeballs. That’s a horrible sight to subject your friends to.”

“Nick?”

Nick dropped his hand. “Yeah?”

“Run.”

Nick was out the door like a shot, Kevin right on his heels. The other three shook their heads as Nick’s laughter rang out.

“Kevin, don’t! Knock it off. Hey! Put me down. You’re too old for this. I’M too old for this. You’re going to put your back out.”

Howie, Brian, and AJ went into the front hall to see Kevin striding for the door, Nick over his shoulder. The way Nick was squirming, they were surprised Kevin hadn’t dropped him. Finally, Kevin reached up and swatted Nick’s ass.

“Hey! Don’t be smacking my ass. Howie will kick your butt. Does AJ know you’re this perverted? What? I’m just saying. This spanking fetish of yours is something he should know about.”

Kevin ignored Nick with the ease of long practice and opened the door. He made it off the porch before Nick clued in.

“Don’t even think about it, Richardson. Come on, man, I was just teasing. Kev, stop. Not the snow drift! Not… oh you fucker!”

Nick’s indignant shriek caused the three men on the porch to burst into laughter. They watched, amused, as Nick launched himself at Kevin. The two of them rolled around in the snow, each trying to gain the upper hand.

“They’re going to freeze their balls off,” AJ said.

“End up in the hospital with frost bite,” Brian said.

“Looks like we’re on our own for breakfast,” Howie replied.

The three men trooped into the house, leaving the oldest and youngest of the group to fight it out alone. As AJ closed the door, he flashed a grin at Brian.

“Don’t even think about it, Aje,” Howie warned.

“Come on, D. Just once?”

Howie gave a put upon sigh. AJ threw back his head.

“Backstreet’s back!”

“Alright!” Brian joined in.

Howie headed for the kitchen, mumbling to himself. “Join a boyband, they said. It’ll be great for your career, they said. Should have joined the circus.”

AJ threw his arm over Brian’s shoulders. “Let’s go make breakfast. I’m starving.”

Brian kissed his cheek. “I’m glad we’re here, Aje.”

“Me too, Bri. Me too.”


End file.
